Better Communication for Healthier Relationships

With Valentine’s Day upon us, our thoughts often turn to our relationships. The commercialization of the holiday tends to paint a fairy tale picture of love, but in reality, relationships require active engagement and work in order to thrive.

As a therapist, one of the major struggles I see amongst couples comes down to communication. What many folks don’t realize is that the way we communicate is just as important, if not more important, as what we’re trying to say. Our tone, our phrasing, and the way we listen (or not) can significantly impact whether the conversation helps or hurts the relationship as a whole.

John and Julie Gottman, who may be the world’s foremost researchers on relationships, talk about communication styles that actively harm our relationships. They call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They can predict the end of a relationship with reliable accuracy, but the good news is that we can actually strengthen our relationship by choosing to communicate in other ways.

Below, we’ll go over the Four Horsemen and their antidotes. By recognizing when we use the Horsemen and actively choosing to engage with our partner differently, we can make very real strides in improving our relationships.

Horseman #1: Criticism

Criticism is a verbal attack on our partner or their character. It’s not a complaint, which is expressing dissatisfaction about a situation. Criticism is an accusation or judgement about who they are as a person. It is often hurtful, and it is never helpful. It also paves the way for the other horsemen to make their way into the conversation.

Antidote: The Gentle Startup
Rather than going on the attack, take a step back and start the conversation from a gentler position. Focus on expressing your own feelings and needs, rather than on making accusations about your partner. This softer tone sends the message that you want to resolve the issue rather than just lob criticism at your partner. They will be much more likely to engage in a productive way if they don’t feel like they have to defend themselves.

Horseman #2: Contempt

John Gottman calls contempt the “kiss of death” for relationships. Contempt takes criticism to a new level, where the intention of the attack is to insult or abuse your partner. The tone is one of disgust and disdain, and it often involves name calling or other verbal attacks meant to make your partner feel worthless. It is so harmful because it degrades some of the most fundamental aspects of relationships: mutual respect and kindness.

Antidote: Building a culture of appreciation
This antidote is both about how you manage your own perspective just as much as it is about how you communicate. A focus on appreciation means that you’re actively looking for the positive contributions that your partner makes in your life. It also means that you express appreciation when your partner does something for you, even if it is small or something they may feel expected to do.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness

It’s not difficult to see how criticism can lead the other partner straight into defensiveness. This is both an action and an attitude. It puts up a wall to productive conversation and makes you a victim in the situation. It often then results in blame being cast right back at the critical partner, who may get defensive in return. The conversation will only spiral downward from there.

Antidote: Taking responsibility
Rather than getting defensive, focus on taking responsibility. Even if you’ve been legitimately wronged somehow, owning your own contribution to the situation and taking accountability for your actions will lead to a much more effective conversation. If the criticism/defensiveness cycle is a game of “blame hot potato”, taking responsibility can be seen as catching the potato and setting it down. No more unhelpful back-and-forth, and a real conversation can begin.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is essentially the silent treatment: disengaging and tuning your partner out. It usually occurs when the argument reaches an unmanageable threshold for one of the partners and they turn off. It can be both a means of managing stress, as well as a way to punish our partner. When chronic stonewalling becomes a habit in the relationship, productive conversations become incredibly difficult.

Antidote: Physiological self-soothing
When stonewalling kicks in, people typically aren’t in a state to have a constructive discussion. Any further engagement will only be harmful. This is when the couple needs to take a time-out. Let your partner know that you need a break and that you’ll be in a better state to have the discussion afterward. Take twenty minutes to focus on something else and take your mind off of the conflict. Let yourself come down from the intensity of the argument. Then, return with the goal of discussing the problem more productively.

There are many more aspects of productive communication for relationships, but these four antidotes can have a significant impact on the quality of your conversations with your partner. Talk to your partner about them and give them a try. When one partner makes these changes, it can steer things in a whole new direction. When both partners make this change, it can revolutionize the relationship.