Men and Grief: Overcoming Cultural Barriers

The issue of grieving can be difficult for many men. The concept goes against much of the social conditioning we receive throughout our lives. From a young age, we’re told to “suck it up”, “walk it off”, and “boys don’t cry”. The implicit (and sometimes explicit) message is that real men don’t need to grieve. They hold their chin up, grit their teeth through the pain, and move on.  

This makes the question of how men grieve problematic, because there is immense cultural pressure telling men not to grieve at all. Allowing that kind of raw emotion would imply that he doesn’t have himself under control, and that something is lacking in him. Brené Brown, PhD puts it succinctly in her book Daring Greatly: “Basically, men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.” 

All this amounts to the dilemma that men have no sanctioned way of grieving. Grief, however, is not a choice. Pain, loss, disappointment, sadness, and grief are hallmarks of the human experience, and no one is exempt. This leaves men, not with the task of “not grieving”, but of dealing with the emotions that are already happening.  

With few socially acceptable methods of grieving, it isn’t uncommon for men to find other ways of managing these emotions. Sometimes we isolate ourselves or disassociate. We may distract ourselves, keeping busy enough that the inner world can’t catch up. Other times we numb ourselves by drinking or using substances. When pushed too close to our emotions, unresolved grief can come out as anger. 

With so few emotional resources for men, addressing our emotions and experiencing the suffering of loss becomes an act of courage. Having never been given a path for processing these feelings, many men must figure out the way for themselves. There are, however, some things that men can do. 

Steps Men Can Take to Navigate Grief 

Acknowledge the emotions that are already happening 

The painful emotions are already here. Avoiding or resisting them doesn’t make them go away. Acknowledge that they are there and give yourself the time and space to feel them and sort through them. 

Don’t be surprised if anger is one of the first emotions to emerge. For many men, anger comes before they reach the deeper grief. Allow yourself to feel the anger, while being mindful not to take that anger out on others. Once you can move beneath it, you’ll encounter the deeper pain.  

When working through “feeling” an emotion, deep breathing is a powerful tool. Slow and rhythmic breathing helps prevent getting overwhelmed by the emotion. It also acts as a “metabolizer” of emotion, moving it through you and allowing it to run its course. It is the opposite of resisting, which leads to a feeling of it building up until it becomes too much.  

Avoid Escaping into Distractions or Substances 

Be aware of the urge to escape into distractions or substances like alcohol or marijuana. It’s natural to want to avoid painful emotions, but these are coping mechanisms that can become addictive or destructive. Healing only comes by moving through the emotions, not trying to get rid of them. 

Give the Emotion Words 

Whether writing in a notebook, talking with a friend or therapist, or even talking out loud to yourself, putting the emotions into words helps crystallize them from an abstract feeling into something tangible. There is significant evidence that naming an emotion and verbalizing the experience reduces its intensity and helps us sort through our experiences more effectively.  

Include Physical Activity 

Emotions are experienced in the body. As you work through the thoughts and feelings that emerge there will be a lot of energy that comes with them. Physical activity will give that energy somewhere to go.  

Activities like yoga have been shown to have positive impacts on PTSD symptoms, as well as anxiety and depression, but any activity will do. Whether it be hiking, running, swimming, or lifting weights, find something that works for you and get yourself to sweat.  

Open Up to Someone You Trust 

Human beings are social creatures. We crave community, interaction, and belonging. It may be tempting to try and work through things alone, but processing painful emotions is faster and easier with others. Take time with someone you trust and get real about how things are going. If they try to “fix it” for you, let them know you just need a listening ear. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, without apology. A therapist is also a good resource for working through these things with someone who will know how to listen.  

Supporting Men in Grief 

For those supporting men in grief, there are a few things to keep in mind. 

Don’t Push Him 

Dealing with grief can be incredibly overwhelming, and he may need to open up at his own pace, one step at a time. Make sure he knows that you care, and that you’re there if he wants to talk.  

He May Not Feel Anything at First 

When he does open up, he may not feel anything at first. A female colleague once expressed frustration that every time she tried acknowledging a male client’s pain, he dismissed it, saying he really didn’t feel strongly about what they were discussing.  

I told her that men are given so few means of dealing with their difficult emotions that many of us may not even know how to feel them in the first place. We learn to unconsciously compartmentalize and push things aside as a means of getting by.  

The man was in therapy, however, which meant that he wanted to do the work of addressing those buried pieces. If she focused on what he did feel and worked with him to open and go deeper, in time he would get to the things beneath the surface.  

Avoid “Fixing” or Giving Advice 

The goal isn’t to get rid of the pain. It’s to feel it and process it. The most helpful thing a friend or partner can do is listen and be a non-judgmental space for him.  

Grief and Anger Are Normal, But Not Excuses for Mistreatment 

Managing these kinds of emotions can be overwhelming, and no man will do it perfectly, but taking these emotions out on others isn’t healthy or acceptable. You can support him, but tolerating abusive behavior doesn’t help anyone.  

Be Aware of the Tendency to “White Knight” Him 

In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown tells a story from early in her work in which a man approached her with some blunt truths about the inner world of men. He said:  

“You see those books you just signed for my wife and three daughters? They’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else.” 

The impossible expectations on men come from all sides. Be aware of how you may be expecting him to be vulnerable, while also “keeping it all together”.  Supporting someone in grief often means being willing to feel your own feelings of discomfort and vulnerability alongside them. Being allowed to see another’s grief requires us to let go of expectations of who they “should” be and accept who they are in that moment.  

Support Him if He Decides to Seek Help 

Therapy can be an incredibly helpful experience. If the man in your life decides to go to a therapist to work through his grief, encourage him in that process. Stepping into therapy can be difficult, but having supportive friends and family can make it that much easier.